A Stage Does Not Build Itself
Poem • 2019First performed in 2019 at The Healing WELL in San Francisco and published in 2020, this epic spoken-word poem transforms recovery into an act of construction. Moving from private reckoning toward communal witness, it asks what it means to rebuild a life—and then how to use that rebuilt stage to help others imagine their own.
A Stage Does Not Build Itself
I did not arrive here by accident
I aimed
I worked
I tried
I failed
I got up more times than I got down.
I surveyed myself
I took a thorough inventory of my tools
of my subtle deficiencies
I took notes, copious notes
I took photos
I inspected every beam, every chair, every nook
I relearned who I am
I took stock of what is
rather than what is not
I looked around and marveled at my own decay
Despite a show-run of decades
I found myself unbroken
just desperately in need of urgent repair
I noted my flaws so that I could hope to mend them
I noted the intricately carved details
I noted their dust
the bits of plaster lost to the subtle ravages of time
I marveled at the glamorous ornate chandeliers
hovering overhead, collecting dust like Spanish moss
the thousand crystals in need of a gentle cleansing hand
In understanding my strengths and my failings
I set myself on a path
starting in the fullness of reality
To fix
To rebuild
To preserve
To replace
To strengthen
To beautify
To build anew
All around I noticed strengths worth keeping
And beliefs worth letting go
I surveyed myself
with a thorough and compassionate heart
I made of list of tasks
of goals set and ready for completion
I would build myself as an empty stage in a glamorous theater
awaiting the play that would be my new life
Plans and tools in hand
I ready my spirit for the hard work ahead
Standing at the threshold,
surveying the broken theater for the last time
I find gratitude in the opportunity
to make myself sturdy and beautiful
I close my eyes
I stand not in my own shoes
on a ground I simply happened upon
I am at the beach
Toes kneading the sand
I stare lovingly at the ocean
I thank the sea for its waves
I thank the sun for its rays
I inhale the moment
I open my eyes.
It’s time to get to work.
The earth beneath my feet is well trod terrain
Standing sentinel over the bones of everyone who didn’t make it
I stand tall on a ground I did not make
I stand before you
on the shoulders of everyone who died
so I might live
The moment will not be wasted
I stand tall on ground I did not make.
I made not the dirt, but I tilled the soil.
I made not the water,
but shed a thousand tears
In despair
In fear
In love
In remembrance
In the mortal toil of my re-making
I stand here not alone
but buoyed by the souls
of every one I’ve lost
My father
My friends
My boyfriend
I stand here buoyed by the courage
of the nameless faces of every newcomer
sitting in the back row too afraid to raise their hand
I stand here for you
I stand here because I am you
I will always be you
Because yesterday I was standing in your shoes
I wear them every day
My old me is only a day away
from seeing the new me destroyed
But it’s the me right here you see
See me
Hear me
Because it’s hope in your eyes I see
Hope for tomorrow
Hope that there’s something out there other than fear
You don’t know it now
But that discomfort you feel
It’s beautiful
That pain you feel
It feels so deep and fundamental
You can’t imagine a life without it
Let it go
I’m here to tell you
raise your hand
The higher your hand
The closer to god your heart will be
And the closer you are to your higher power
that’s how you’ll help me
help you
help us give meaning to the experience of Being
Raise your hand
Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt lonely
Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt pain
Raise your hand if you ever asked yourself
“Will this day be my last?”
Raise your hand if you never raised your hand before
That hand you hold high to God
That is your plow
That is your mortal tool
Heave the untilled earth of your future
from the bones of your yesterday
Till your earth
Get your hands dirty
Do the work
Every board may give you splinters
But I beg you to press on through the pain.
Build.
Build better.
Make way for what is to come
You are building a stage
Love the work
Love every sweat-drenched brow
Every tender blister
You are building yourself anew
Know that you are perfect
You are beautiful
You are courageous
You are strong
Yesterday I was you
tomorrow you’ll be me
because you raised your hand today
I didn’t come for you
I came here because of you
I came here for you to see
the rebuilt me you’re helping me to be
Life isn’t some script written by an unknown playwright
There are no last acts
only next scenes
The curtain call will come
Your life is a stage in a gilded theater
Glistening, shining, bright
And full to capacity with fans of every stripe
Take stock of what needs repair
Then repair it
Build.
Build better.
I don’t stand alone
I never did
Even in my darkest moments
a part of me always knew
a power higher than my eyes can see was holding me
carrying me across the field of my destruction
Fortified
It’s that part me
The many parts of me I don’t want you to see
Because I don’t want my flaws to be perceived
But my flaws are the scars
which give character and meaning
to a life survived
I’m rebuilding my stage
carefully and lovingly restoring
all that which is good that lives inside me
I build.
I build better.
The remnants of a battered theater begin to fade
in its place a new stage is taking shape
I used to think that my flaws were my failings
They are the source of my strength
They are the last vestiges of my past
Which, despite my best efforts,
never failed to support its weight
A closed theater emits no laughter
A closed theater tells no story
I love my flaws.
Maybe you’re telling yourself
all the negative things my mind tells me
That’s an old trick
Blinded before birth
Never before seen
Alive and living free
A sober me
Free to love
Free to fail
Free to flourish
Free to falter
Free to Remember
Free to change
And that’s my new trick
I’ve learned to disbelieve the part me me that wants me gone
That soulless devil that tells me I’m not good enough
in my own voice
from your lips
Find joy in the struggle
Rely on yourself and trust in others
Your burden is mine
But you gotta stand up
I’ll help you do it
But only you can do the work
I believe that you can do it
I see God in you
I see value too
In the throes of your struggle
you see yourself busted
Kicked around
Scratched, discarded, left alone
Like a penny in the gutter
Like a theater long-shuttered
Own that truth
But Believe your worth
Even a penny has value
Need one take one
like a penny
You always have value
Standing together
Fifty anonymous friends
Shoulder to shoulder, end to end
Placed in your fist
your fifty-cent stick packs quite a punch
Because what we do together makes us stronger
Penny for your dreams
This is the first investment in a new way of living
One day at a time
Easy does it
Every minute of every day
your life is on the line
Believe this truth:
The God I pray to loves you too
Heaven comes without borders
Tear down your interior walls
Your best life is right in front of you
On the stage you built for you
Heaven isn’t the arrival
It isn’t your final act
Heaven is the story of your journey
on the stage you built for you
Come with me, I found a way
I’ve rebuilt my theater
Join me on the stage
There are others at my side
Good actors, and bad
Raise your hand up high
Be proud of who you are
and who you are becoming
Everyone in here was new one day
Plow the fields
Till the earth
Grow your life where your destruction used to be.
Life is a play with infinite next acts
Today is a gift from god
to you and me
Don’t forget it
I know I do
If no one has told you today
Let me be the first to say:
I love you
Be the stage
Your future is the play on opening day
Your theater is beautiful
I hope you come to see it that way
I didn’t arrive here by accident
I surveyed
I worked
I tried
I failed
I got up more times than I got down.
I relearned who I am
Standing at the threshold,
Surveying a rebuilt theater for the first time
I find gratitude in the opportunity
To share my story with you
The here and now
this precious moment
will not be wasted
I stand tall on ground I did not make.
I made not the beam
I just hammered it into place
A stage does not build itself
But it is where dreams are played